What Do You Do When Someone Keeps Treating You In Ways That Hurt?
What do you do when someone keeps treating you in ways that hurt?
Do you wait for them to change? Do you try harder to show them how you want to be treated? Or do you take their actions for what they are - a mirror of their own inner world?
Sometimes it’s not that someone won’t treat you well, it’s that they can’t. Capacity and willingness often go hand in hand. If a person hasn’t learned how to offer kindness to themselves, sit with uncomfortable emotions, or face the hard stuff, then their ability to offer it to you will be limited.
It’s like expecting shade from a sapling.
The potential might be there, but until it grows roots deep enough and branches wide enough, it simply doesn’t have what you’re asking for. You can water it, care for it, and hope it matures… but standing in the sun while wishing for shade won’t keep you from getting burned.
And here’s the thing: lack of capacity can take many forms.
Maybe they’re going through grief or trauma of their own, and their energy is tied up in survival.
Maybe they’re overwhelmed by stressful life events, or struggling with mental or physical health challenges that leave little space for others.
Maybe they’ve never been exposed to healthy models of care or compassion, so they simply don’t know how to offer it.
Or maybe they just don’t yet have the maturity or perspective it takes to show up differently.
Whatever the reason, the outcome feels the same; you’re left without the support, respect, or care you deserve. And that’s where willingness comes in. Some people genuinely want to grow, to do the work of softening their inner criticism or increasing their awareness so they can show up differently in their relationships. Others may not have that willingness yet, and you can’t force them to.
So when someone keeps showing you who they are, through criticism, defensiveness, or lack of care, believe them. It doesn’t make them evil or broken, but it does mean they don’t have the branches or the will to offer you what you need right now. Your job isn’t to wait forever under a tree that may never grow. It’s to decide where you want to stand, and what kind of shade you deserve.
A Parallel in Grief
Grief can feel incredibly isolating for a similar reason. When someone hasn’t gone through it themselves, it can be hard for them to have the awareness or capacity to know how to show up. Sometimes their distance or unhelpful words aren’t personal failures; they’re reflections of a larger truth: we live in a society that doesn’t teach us how to face grief and death.
Instead of modeling presence, empathy, and openness, our culture often avoids or silences conversations about loss. People may carry narratives like:
“I don’t want to bring it up because I don’t want to make them sad.”
“If I say the wrong thing, I might make it worse.”
“It’s been a while… Maybe they’re over it by now.”
These stories don’t come from malice. They come from discomfort, from never being taught how to stay present with pain. So when you’re grieving, it’s not uncommon to feel like those around you can’t fully meet you in it, not because they don’t care, but because they were never given the tools.
This doesn’t erase the pain of feeling unseen or unsupported, but it can shift the story. The isolation you feel isn’t a sign that your grief is too much; it’s a sign that our culture hasn’t equipped people to carry it with you.
Teaching Others How to Show Up (if you want)
Here’s the hopeful part: capacity can grow. Sometimes the people in your life are more than willing to support you; they just don’t know how. If you’re open to teaching them, you may find they’re grateful to learn.
That can look like:
Inviting them in with reassurance: “It’s okay to bring up my loved one’s name. It actually feels good to still hear them mentioned and know they’re remembered.”
Offering an alternative if something feels hurtful: “Instead of telling me to stay strong, it helps if you just sit with me and let me be how I am today.”
Naming your own experience: “I want you to know I don’t feel like myself right now, and I don’t expect you to fix it. Just being here helps.”
Asking for sensitivity around triggers: “It would mean a lot if we could avoid talking about pregnancies right now, it’s still painful after losing my baby.” Or, “Father’s Day is hard for me since my dad died. I’d appreciate if we could keep that day gentle.”
You don’t have to teach everyone in your life, and you don’t have to do it all at once. But sometimes even small, clear guidance gives people the tools they didn’t know they needed. And allows them to truly show up for you, if they choose.
Moving Forward
Whether it’s in relationships or in grief, learning to discern capacity and willingness can be freeing. You don’t have to keep hoping someone will give what they’ve shown you they can’t. And you don’t have to carry grief alone in a world that avoids it.
If you’re looking for grief therapy in Golden Colorado, or support in navigating big transitions, you’re welcome here. Together we can create a space that honors your experience, helps you reconnect with yourself, and makes room for the life that’s waiting for you.
Reflection Prompt
Take a moment to reflect:
Where in your life are you waiting for someone to offer shade that they may not be capable of giving right now?
What would it look like to believe what they’re showing you, and to choose instead the kind of shade you know you deserve?
Ready to make some changes, but don’t quite know how?
Therapy can be a place to breathe, to unpack, to sort through the heaviness and find steadier ground. My role isn’t to “fix” you, but to sit with you, get curious with you, and walk alongside you as you find your way forward.
If this resonates, I’d love to hear from you. Reach out when you’re ready!